Seduction by Vodka
by Greenstuff
Summary: Response to the WIKTT Drunkeness Challenge
1. The Fic

Rating: R A/N: OK... This is far from what I normally write, or at least I hope it is, since it's strange. ( Anyways, read and hopefully you'll find it a little bit funny. (  
  
Seduction by Vodka  
  
Do it, baby, do it  
  
On the beach  
  
Do it, baby, do it  
  
Down the street  
  
Do it, baby, do it  
  
You and me  
  
We're gonna do what they call the French kissing  
  
The rhythmic movement of Hermione's swaying hips matched the seductive tempo of the song blaring throughout the great hall. Severus watched her dancing with his mouth partially open.  
  
The victory party – a half-assed scheme of Albus' to promote inter-house relations between the Gryffindors and Slytherins – was half over. It had gotten off to a slow start, but about half an hour in someone had had the brains to spike the punch with some magically enhanced Vodka that had little flavor but a enormous effect on those who drank it. Unfortunately none of the chaperones had noticed quickly enough to stop its effect on the students, or themselves.  
  
"Hullo Severus old chap!"  
  
Severus gave the pudgy boy at his side an inquisitive look. "Sorry, do I know you?"  
  
"Of course, you're my head of house. Say you didn't get into the punch did you?"  
  
"Why would I get into the punch?" Severus asked, baffled by the boy's strange language. How could a person climb into a punch? Stupid boy, he thought bitterly.  
  
Give it, baby, give it  
  
In the car  
  
Take it, baby, take it  
  
Wherever you are  
  
Give it, baby, give it  
  
Go too far  
  
We're gonna do what they call the French kissing  
  
Hermione's dancing pulled Severus' attention from the boy who had been grinning at him with a familiarity that frankly terrified him. She made eye contact with him and he could feel his pulse quickening. With a smirk and a slightly raised eyebrow that demanded permission she sashayed closer, her hips mesmerizing him, stopping a few feet from where he sat.  
  
With one delicate hand she undid the zipper on the front of her sweater with agonizing slowness. Severus licked his lips and swallowed. His brain was mush from the alcohol and compiling any coherent thought was beyond his imagination, let alone accomplishment, but miniscule particle of the mess that was left was screaming at him to grab her about the waist, throw her down and shag her.  
  
An inability to move managed to stop him despite rational thought's absence. Hermione's tank-top went the way of her jacket, falling into a heap at her feet. Mouthing the words to the song that was still blasting through the speakers she took a step closer, so near him now he could feel her body heat. Her pink lace bra did nothing to hide her deliciously small breasts. Giving in to the pressure of her hands on his shoulders, Severus leaned back in his chair pulling her onto his lap.  
  
Her body pressed hotly against his her mouth hovering excruciatingly close to his. He could taste her breath, but still she hovered just out of reach. Unable to bear the minuscule distance for another second he pulled her flush against him and met her plum lips with his in a fierce kiss.  
  
Do you want me to stop? (no)  
  
We're gonna do the French kissing,  
  
Her lips were soft beneath his, giving in easily as he pushed against them. She opened them, allowing his tongue to slip into the sweet depths of her mouth. His hands clutched her bare torso closely to him, hers were lost in his shoulder-length hair. With a moan of frustration at the distance Severus still felt was between them he wrapped her legs around his waist, one hand on her ass supporting her.  
  
Leeeeeeeeeet's get retarded in heeeeee-eeere  
  
The change in song startled Severus and he jumped, knocking Hermione, himself and the chair to the floor. "The chair's on the floor," he said stupidly.  
  
Hermione shot him a hostile glance and rose unsteadily to her feet. "You're Drunk!" she slurred accusingly, staggering back a few paces before losing her coordination and sitting abruptly on the ground.  
  
"No." Severus said.  
  
"Yes you are."  
  
"Nu-uh!" Very much the two year old, Severus shook his head to aid his point.  
  
"You reek of Alcohol."  
  
"What's reek?"  
  
Hermione narrowed her eyes. "I'm getting Dumbledore."  
  
"There's no one there," Severus told her helpfully, his eyes gleaming in triumph at the thought that his muddled brain was understanding what she had said.  
  
"No one where?"  
  
"At the door," Hermione's look of condescension clued Severus into the fact that he must have misunderstood her previous statement, though he could have sword she said SOMETHING about a door.  
  
"Why...? Never mind," Hermione hauled herself up from the stone floor again and staggered away, Leaving behind a very confused Severus.  
  
"Too high Can't come down Losin' my head, spinin' round and round Do you feel me now?"  
  
Severus turned to see who was singing along with the recording. They were terrible.  
  
A black haired boy he recognized vaguely was swaying awkwardly and singing in an off-key falsetto. A pale blond boy that Severus was certain he had seen before watched the first boy with a look of disgust.  
  
"Don't quit your day-job Potter!" he drawled mockingly, taking a swig from a small silver flask.  
  
"Intoxicate me now With your lovin' now" 'Potter' ignored the other boy's comments and continued to sing along in a horrible impression of the song, even attempting to climb up on a nearby chair to continue his dance. He ended up on the floor.  
  
"You're a lark Potter." The blonde boy laughed. "Not to mention dead sexy."  
  
'Potter' turned an unbecoming shade of pink at the comment and sidled over to the other boy's side. He smiled beguilingly and ran a hand over the pristinely set blonde hair on the boy's head.  
  
"Oi! Don't touch that! Being gorgeous doesn't give you the right to mess with my hair!" The blonde smoothed his hair frantically.  
  
Unfazed, 'Potter' moved in for the kill, grabbing the boy by the shoulders and mashing their lips together in a sloppy kiss.  
  
Severus grimaced, disgusted but too drunk to think of turning away. The blonde boy wrapped his delicate hands about 'Potter's shoulders and pulled him close. The kiss deepened. Severus gagged.  
  
"Alright there Professor?" a gangly Red-head stepped in front of Severus, blocking his view of the nauseating display.  
  
"I don't know you, go away." Severus slurred.  
  
"No, I guess you don't know me," the boy said. "You've never once taken an interest. Interesting isn't it?"  
  
Severus scowled. "What?"  
  
"I was just saying how interesting it is. We've known each other for seven years and yet you don't know me one bit. "  
  
"What?!?!" Severus yelled, still confused.  
  
"Are you deaf?"  
  
"What?!? NO!" Severus attempted, unsuccessfully, to stand and move away from this irritating orange cretin.  
  
"I never thought about it before, but being deaf as a wizard must be incredibly difficult. I mean..."  
  
Severus didn't hear more, he had succeeded in dragging his inebriated body away by his hands.  
  
"Hello Severus!"  
  
The cheerful voice earned a baffled glare form the prostrate professor. "Snorkel!" he snapped the first word that came to mind, hoping it was the right answer so she would just LEAVE HIM ALONE. His head was spinning and he wanted to sleep.  
  
"You seemed to have hit it off well with Hermione ," the woman was still talking to him, and appeared to be attempting secrecy as she whispered loudly in his general direction. She was old, but her flushed cheeks told him she was in a similar state to him. "Oh I wish one of the boys would look my way. There are a number of promising ones around. Would like a glass of punch?" She spoke rapidly, not pausing for breath and Severus was still interpreting her first few words when the glass of punch was thrust into his hands.  
  
He downed it in one gulp.  
  
"Ah! There she is, back to claim you I suppose, I'm going to go see if Filius will dance with me." The old woman disappeared and it was blessedly quiet for a moment while the songs switched.  
  
"There you are," the young woman with the astounding breasts reappeared at the edge of his vision, her cheeks were more flushed than before. She held two glasses of punch in her hands and, instead of offering one to him, downed them both in rapid succession before falling on top of him. "I miiiiiisssed you!" She said, pawing at the front of his shirt.  
  
Completely beyond proper thought processes Severus lay back on the floor, pulling the girl on top of him. "You missed me?" he asked stupidly, trying out a seductive smile.  
  
"Dreadfully," the girl purred, ripping his shirt open and teasing his pale skin with the tip of her pink tongue. "Oh!" she moaned, "you taste good."  
  
Severus let out a moan of his own as her mouth lipped and nipped its way to his throat, her delicate body rubbing up against him rhythmically.  
  
Oh, once you get involved,  
  
Everyone will look this way so,  
  
You must maintain your charm,  
  
Same time maintain your halo,  
  
Just get the perfect blend,  
  
Plus what you have within,  
  
Then next his eyes will squint,  
  
Then he's picked up your scent.,  
  
Severus pulled the girls face to his in a passionate kiss. Her hips grinding against his pelvis she matched his lips move for move. One of her delicate hands was playing its way across his chest while the other wandered lower, stopping at the rock-hard bulge in his trousers. She smiled against his lips and slid herself downward, one hand working the buttons of his trousers undone while her mouth left a trail of gentle bites down his torso.  
  
"SOBRIETUS!" a loud voice shouted into the air, startling Severus slightly, but he was quickly reminded of the task at hand by the insistent mouth that was once again covering his with kisses. His body was reacting more quickly to her nearness and the fuzz had left his brain. Severus rolled over her so she was lying beneath him and was about to slip off the offensive bra that was blocking her skin from his when he was lifted off and flung unceremoniously against a nearby wall.  
  
"SEVERUS SNAPE!" Severus found himself looking at a positively livid Minerva McGonagall. "Just WHAT did you think you were doing?"  
  
Severus mouthed stupidly. He remembered vaguely Hermione sashaying up to him, the kiss, her on top of him, the painful erection that had disappeared about the same time his head made contact with marble wall and then he remembered the man who had yelled. Sobrietus, of course. He groaned. "I wasn't thinking I was drunk." He muttered.  
  
"You've been sober for more than adequate time to cease your disgraceful behavior Minerva glowered at him.  
  
"Leave the boy alone Minerva, No harm's been done that can't be fixed." Albus said, smiled absently. He raised his wand and pointed it at Hermione, who was sitting, stunned looking, a few meters away, "Obliviate."  
  
Severus gaped at him opened mouth, "Headmaster!"  
  
"I trust this will never happen again?" Albus' blue eyes bored into Severus' black ones.  
  
"Of course not, you have my word." Severus said solemnly.  
  
"Good. I'm just glad I came down to check on you when I did." Albus smiled, "Obliviate."  
  
Severus looked around the Great Hall. Students were being shepherded back to their dormitories by overly-concerned professors; he could see Sinistra with his Slytherins. That had been the fastest Ball ever, Funny though; he didn't remember any of it.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
A/N: and this is why I don't write smut, or this type of comedy. I hope this wasn't too painful to read, Please review, and be kind.  
  
The songs were: French Kiss by Sarah Connor, Let's Get Retarded by Black- eyed Peas, Toxic by Britney Spears and Milkshake by Kelis.  
  
Oh.. and to those who are waiting for my other stuff.. I promise I'll have something done as soon as possible! 


	2. the Rules

The players: Harry frisky  
  
Ron philosophical  
  
Draco honest  
  
Severus stupid/confused  
  
Hermione naked/quarrelsome/affectionate  
  
Minerva return-to-adolescence Goyle hyper/Friendly Dumbledore Stone Sober The What Kind of Drunk Are You? Challenge. There are many other types of drunks, and something would be missing if some, if not all of them, weren't here at Hogwarts. Once again, diversity has taken what would have been a barren situation, and made it wholesome and entertaining... at least I hope. So here's the idea. Hogwarts is hosting on helluva victory party. Is it because Voldy's been iced? Because Neville aced potions? Because Filch got laid and Dumbledore is taking up a new career as a ballet dancer? THAT is up to you! Needless to say, it's a Victory party and not only is EVERYONE invited... everyone is drunk. Well... 1 person is stone sober. Snape and Granger MUST get together, or are at least outted at the festivities if they are already together; other couplings are to what you fancy. Try to use at least 5 of the following types of drunks. Fic length is whatever you can make it. Enjoy! Challenge to end September 3rd/2004. The funny drunk.  
  
The happy drunk.  
  
The frisky drunk.  
  
The affectionate drunk.  
  
The quarrelsome drunk.  
  
The sad drunk.  
  
The philosophical drunk.  
  
The honest drunk.  
  
The sloppy drunk.  
  
The mysterious drunk.  
  
The stupid drunk.  
  
The foreign drunk.  
  
The naked drunk.  
  
The return-to-adolescence drunk.  
  
The pyromaniac drunk.  
  
The hungry drunk.  
  
The hyper drunk.  
  
The sick drunk. Stone sober. 


End file.
